Year In Review: This is Who I Am

I haven’t done one of these in some time; much has changed over the course of the past year. Just as it seems to always be constantly changing and evolving. I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m just a difficult person to fully understand. Mostly because I keep people out of my personal life, I really trust no one at the end of the day. I have the best of intentions usually in almost everything I do but I always find myself saying or doing the opposite of what I intended, It’s a tremendously frustrating conclusion because I’m conscious too it. It’s similar to a lung cancer survivor who continues to smoke a pack a day with the full awareness of the consequences. It’s that type of illogical behavior that drives me insane on a daily basis.

I can’t seem to prove to anyone that I’m a legitimate, hardworking, sincere human being. It’s like the only way to get my point across is to constantly cross the line and be a complete and utter asshole.  A part of me feels no guilt or remorse about my actions and behaviors towards others. For the most part I’ve always been an honest, hardworking, nice guy. People have always taken me for granted and always mistaken my kindness for weakness. Over the years I’ve became angrier and angrier, wanting to prove people wrong at every corner and hope they would finally give me some respect. Reality sets in pretty quickly here and you realize no one gives a fuck about anyone or anything that doesn’t directly benefit their overall well being.  That doesn’t bother me as much as the conscious actions by my friends, peers, co-workers and superiors who think they can bullshit me. It’s a direct insult to my level of intelligence and even though most of you reading this doubt I have any, your sadly mistaken.

I like telling people I’m fluent in three languages: English, Spanish, and Bullshit. I could major in the third if I really desired too. So it begs to ask; why do people constantly think they can lie to me and get away with it? Why can’t anyone just be straight up with me? Do you feel as if I can’t handle the truth or do you think you’re just that slick? I’m a realist, which by most people’s standards makes me a pessimist.  What part of my personality comes off as soft? I just don’t get it; people bitch and complain all day, every day. Yet do nothing to improve themselves. I wish I could honestly beat that living hell out of all these idiots I have to deal with everyday; it would be the biggest and best stress reliever anyone could ask for. People are more worried about a shitty breakfast or lunch offering than if the company they work for is fucking them in the ass every minute that goes by.  How does that not piss you off?

My hope for asking these questions and pointing out these obvious facts are to demonstrate why I am the way I am. It’s not to be a tough guy or to show off, I’m just genuinely pissed that I can’t get ahead in life without kissing ass or being a part of the “club”. It’s just utter stupidity and the only way to prove to someone that your intentions are legitimate is to take to the blogosphere and any social media platform that people can stomach. Understand I’m not here to start a big debate or have a huge drama unfold. I just want people to have a clearer understanding of who I am and why I behave in this manner. My goal is to build better relationships with those closest to me. I understand that is one of my weaknesses and I want to improve upon it. I don’t demonstrate my feelings well, so this post is to give anyone who actually gives a shit, some insight into me.